Today has been one of those days. I never cut myself shaving but I got myself 3 times today. Things have been piling up in my mind and I haven’t swept it onto the page yet, and overall just a crumby couple days… I generally only nick myself when I’m distracted and I really got myself today, to the point where I planned on filming but didn’t. I’m eating Reese’s Sticks and writing about it, two relatively healthy coping methods.

This has led me to write an incredibly long post. Transgender community stuff ahead but nothing too dramatic.

Which gets me thinking… I separate the “coping” aspects of diapers, the stress relief etc, from the sexy part or the comfort part, it’s a many pleasured thing and I have different moods around wearing. I think it’s important to not spend all day categorizing or overthinking something that’s very core to my nature, a somewhat unexplainable desire like my love of diapers.

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A Twitter person I had not seen before, @MediumSmallYeen, posted this image and I have been kicking myself all day for not thinking of it myself. Though I must say diapers are more than just a hobby for me, this makes me laugh.

I do overthink things at times, often considering the future too much and not just going with the flow. It’s good to psychoanalyze ourselves to a point and there’s people who make it their job to do so, but when you’re nailing down these identities and not being fluid, I feel we can let ourselves down or get overwhelmed by trying to fulfill these roles.

I guess some examples of this would be not changing diapers because you want people to see you as a little, or being afraid to wear something feminine because you don’t want to be seen as a sissy, I think we need to remind ourselves that things change and that while introspection is healthy, don’t suffer with how you identify, but more of what you’re currently doing. Back to that idea of bumper sticker advocacy, we think so much about what flag we’re waving, what color it is, who’s waving it, instead of the purpose behind that flag. That’s all very vague, let me get down to the bone of it.

I’ve pretty much stepped entirely out of trans discourse because I’ve exhausted my desire to debate my identity. I have always seen myself as non-binary, and I think everyone is non-binary, that gender is just a construct etc, it’s all just clothes and hairstyles etc. BUT ALSO, there’s biological differences between sexes and that some people’s transitions include those biological reasons. Other people transition because they want to or because they believe they are a woman inside a mans body. Intersex and Klinefelters people exist, it’s all very complicated to say the least.

I believe that I developed male parts but have significant female attributes, I take hormones and will get SRS to make up for that incongruence, I explain it better here… BIG POST ABOUT GENDER STUFF. I could be called “Truscum” for that, though my position is not exclusionary, I do feel I take hormones because I suffer from dysphoria and that medical intervention is necessary. A lot of my advocacy has been around equal medical access, and not around a social movement of smashing gender as a whole. I believe in that, it’s just not something I’ll see in my lifetime and understand it takes babysteps so I plan to live my life as a woman, as to say conforming to that role in society. This is IN ADDITION to my personal physical desire to transition, something I would do even in a genderless world.

I have also had transgirls tell me they take hormones because of solely aesthetic purposes or because “they saw Bailey Jay and wanted to be like that”, and I don’t want to even come close to judging people like that, we all have the freedom to live however we want. I am not concerned with other people’s potential regrets, we’ve all got out own journeys, I would never judge someone else’s transitions. Though, to be completely frank, we all do hold personal beliefs of what’s healthy and what’s not, I just thankfully have the piece of mind to not judge or shame anyone. I also think people express themselves differently and may not be as chatty or perspicacious as I am, so something like “I wanted to be like Bailey Jay” could have a whole life’s worth of personal understanding behind it, that’s why we don’t judge, because we don’t know.

I also identify as a woman, I like being a girl and being adressed as a girl and wearing girl clothes. I use female pronouns and have an F on my License. I can hold this non-binary view of the world and also be medically transitioning and a total girly girl. I don’t have girl or boy days, everyday is a Riley day, though somedays i’m scruffier than others.

I support all aspects of trans identity and am a really inclusive person, that’s pretty obvious by now, but I feel in the trans discourse there’s no place for my fluid ideas on everything. I find the rigidity of speech and identity and who gets a seat at the table to be exhausting. I think with my experience things like books and blog posts are more suited than trying to meme it up with the twitter folks. This posts been welling up in a while, have been thinking often about the whole pronouns in the profile thing and my complicated feeling towards pronouns and labels in general. I also am happy to accommodate anyone about any pronouns, but am also terrible at that stuff because I am a scatterbrain with names etc, like most people if we’re honest. I have mental tactics to be inclusive and those work for me, though I often have to remind myself. Years of waiting/customer service made “sir”, “maam” and “guys” common, also people could be a little more forgiving I think. I still mess up and I reallllly try.

Basically, and I keep wanting to ask this to everyone in the trans world, but isn’t it just accepted that if you’re trans that you probably see the world from a non-binary perspective? And not just “men can be women” etc, but that the line between us from a social perspective is blurry enough as to not exist if it weren’t for shampoo companies and clothing stores? That our biology does not define us? I don’t say i’m non-binary because I frankly don’t want to have to explain my idea of gender to anyone, or why I’m non-binary and dress and act femme and take hormones etc. And this is not a judgement of others, but I also don’t care to draw attention to myself. Going stealth is a bit of a dream for those of us transpeople who’ve been through hell for it, something younger or more privileged transpeople lose perspective of. I do feel gender euphoria, but I also mainly wish I never had to think of being trans again, mostly because of all the shaving and discrimination.

While trans can be euphoric, it can also be dysphoric, it’s a two fisted struggle. It’s with society and with ourselves, the mental and physical, the internal and external, and for me the transgender experience has been defined by strife and overcoming barriers. For others it’s all smiles and smooth sailin’, one does not invalidate the other. I’m in a very balanced place right now with my transition, I know who I am and where i’m going. I have learned I don’t need to impress anyone or pass any purity tests, and that while I will champion all aspects of queerness as they are defined, I hope that all the new identities don’t forget that there way isn’t the only way.

This post could be perceived as me coming out as “non-binary”, but I don’t use that label because it’s not how I choose to identify in society, even though it’s totally how I see myself (and frankly everyone else including cisgender people). I have my own reasons, but even if the reason was “because i’m afraid to”, I think that’s a valid reason in itself. It’s not my reason, but I hope you see my point.

In Summary:

Transpeople and their reasoning behind “not being cis” are down to the individual. There’s a ton of diversity between individuals and fluidity is common, don’t get too caught up in flags or labels. I wish I could shake some younger transpeople and remind them “MOST PEOPLE DONT THINK ABOUT GENDER SO DON’T FEEL BAD WHEN YOU INEVITABLY CONFUSE THEM”. People are going to be rude, accidental or not, and when someone like me is getting confused by a newly defined role or identity, imagine how cispeople or transpeople without social media must feel.

Ultimately, Let’s just respect eachother, understand that we may not get each other and try not to be jerks to people, especially other transpeople or friendly cispeople. And while it’s important to platform and praise people for expressing themselves, we all have our own comfort zones and identities and we need to chill out and respect each other.

This has been another long, exhausting post about not overthinking things. I wrote all this because I sometimes feel bad about being trans and that feeling comes entirely from other trans-people these days. I can deal with all the evangelicals and am fine with platforming marginalized voices over my own, but don’t take away my right to be who I am, don’t shame me for medically transitioning, for not participating in the social media advocacy things like profile pronouns, for fighting for things like medical access, we need all sorts of advocacy in this community and we pick our battles, I can’t stand the relentless pettiness, arguing and one-upmanship I see in trans discourse (as well as others) drives me up the wall. Again, people need to be patient with each other.

I put in my years and will continue to do everything I can for my fellow trans humans, but I’m going to continue distancing myself from the Youtubery and Twittering. I need to just enjoy it for a while, stay on the path, and enjoy some stability and gender euphoria in my little isolated place in the world, maybe this time it’ll last a while 🙂 Books and Blog posts work for me, I’m less driven to share or validate my worldview, more concerned in expanding it.

Cheers friends, more crinkly stuff coming soon, it’s been a long day and it feels good to go on a little rant. Very freeing to know that I have a small, captive audience for these posts, hope you don’t mind me going off on one about a topic on my mind now and then ❤ Again, total respect to all identities, I’d just ask for the same in return. I feel this all came from an imaginary argument with an imaginary strawman, but I feel better, thanks for listening.

With all due respect ❤

Riley K.