Weeks and Weakening

(another sorta sad post, I promise they won’t always be like this, check back in a month or so if you’re sick of the sad stuff)

Dreams are the toughest thing for me and I’m nearly at my wits end. I won’t go into detail, but my dreams last weeks and weeks, stuck in a cycle where I wake up and go to sleep again in my dreams multiple times. Sometimes I fear I’m losing my grip on reality. That’s awful but it’s the truth. Last night was probably the worst night I’ve had in recent memory, where I tried and tried to escape my dream but couldn’t.

So what can I do? I’ve done some research on Lucid Dreaming, something I’ve always avoided because I generally don’t want to be present in my dreams, but I learned some tactics to potentially wake myself up if I realize I’m in a dream. Having a reality check item on me is one, sort of like a Totem in that movie Inception. This goes hand and hand with the second helpful thing, which is wearing my diapers (nappy Totem!) to bed. I haven’t lately because I just haven’t been in the mood but I realize more and more that I NEED them. I wish I had someone that MADE me wear them, maybe a nightly little Tinychat where you can make sure I have my pampers on… Pushing past sad times and grumpy moods is going to be key in getting back to normal sleep and in the process a healthier and happier life. I’m extremely frustrated with my living conditions as well, where I live has become increasingly noisy and while I have a beautiful crib I sleep on a couch most every night. There’s a ton of things piled up that make my life miserable, but I’m going to do my best to resolve them. I just need to try again, diapers and earplugs, instead of getting wasted and passing out which has long been the only way to get a full nights sleep for me.

I sound like a wreck. I haven’t always been this way and won’t always be this way. I feel better everyday, I know the dreams can’t hurt me but I am a bit tired of waking up exhausted or panicking. Diapers and Earplugs. Let’s see how they work, I’ve tried before but like so many things I haven’t stayed consistent. Wish me sweet dreams, I want to wake up pouty because I’m soggy like the pictures below, not because of bad memories coming to life in dreams.

I’ll also add snuggling my bear to the list of things that help me dream and sleep better. I love my bear <3


Song of the Day – “No Regrets” – Aesop Rock (amazing hip-hop story song about dreams)


It’s still pretty early in the morning here, I’m covered in blankies and have my headphones on, looking up pictures of kittens on the internet. One little kitten in particular.



I always felt bad for Nermal. They’re just a happy, positive kitten and Garfield was always such a jerk to them. If you really want to stretch you could say that Garfield is that angry, resentful part of us that groans when we see attractive teenagers kissing, bitterness personified in a grumpy kitty. And Nermal is the opposite, they are happy when people succeed and never find ways to put themselves above others. I think we have both these Garfield/Nermal or Rick/Morty aspects to ourselves and what we choose to share with the world is how people will judge us, as a angry cuss or a shiny friend. I haven’t been writing much, because I’ve been much more horns than halos lately, I’ve let the sad things get to me and went a little too far down the Garfield hole. Today is the first day i’ve felt back to Nermal, not too happy of course, but I see the silver lining before I see the clouds and that feels good.


[Warning, incredibly personal, substance related paragraph ahead] I can’t attribute this to getting the anti-depressants, as I haven’t started taking them yet. I’m still a little afraid to, but will probably start in the next day or so if I start feeling specifically negative. I know it’s something I can’t go on and off of, so when I do start taking them, I will stick with it. The key factor in all this is quitting my boozy depressed ways, feeling sick all the time from constant consumption. I feel better when I’m sober, and don’t want to go back to drinking 24/7. I share this with a twinge of embarrassment, I wish I could tell you I was strong enough to have avoided that or simply blame a long history of alcoholics in my family, but I’m just going to take responsibility and be a good girl. Thanks for listening… moving on now. [glad that’s over]


I’m going to spend the day filling out applications for a second seasonal job, answering some emails, I may stream some games later but I’ll probably take it easy, try to avoid any tough interactions and be gentle with my little kitten self.



I have been shy, only occasionally posting pics on my Twitter. These are from a few weeks ago, in my Prevail Breezers, these cloth covered nappies for warm weather, I was surprised how much I like them. I have more diaper stuff to talk about, including some recent experience with real cloth diapers and a story I read at CapCon that I think you’ll like. Thanks for reading, check back soon, I’ll have new stuff for you soon! Big bear hugs and have a lovely weekend :) 

Song of the Day: “Take The Box” – Amy Winehouse

Dr. Dreams

Disclaimer: Depression and Anti-Depression talk, mild language and adult themes from a little girl.

Hi there friends~ This is little Riley, snuggled up in a blanket getting ready for bed. The GOP debate in the background, feeling a bit sick about it, probably going to turn in off here soon.

Without getting too political, Donald Trump is an absolute clown, one of the worst entries into the WWE Hall of Fame. And Planned Parenthood has saved countless lives. So yeah, F this noise.

I went to the Dr. today. I’ve been plagued with bad dreams lately, as well as some of the depression/anxiety issues I’ve laid out in the last few less than smiley posts. I hadn’t been to see my GP lately, but today was really, really good. It’s difficult for me to reveal my issues face-to-face with someone but today I did. We made a plan, I got a perscription, and I’m going to start down a path I never thought I would. I’ll be taking a mild Anti-Depressant, and goddamn is it hard to talk about this stuff. It’s just to get over a hump my Dr. said. I don’t want to lose myself but I also want to get better, I didn’t imagine i’d be this desperate for a solution to my pain, but I am here and this is now.

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I wore my protection to the appointment and got a ride from a well-wisher, comfortable and safe in a harsh and scary moment. While I type this, the TV is off and the Bright Eyes link I just posted playing in my headphones. I’m going to curl up with my bear and think of kind words said to me, and other moments where I felt safe, warm, loved. Thanks for listening.

Sweet dreams.


Hi there friends! I have my sweater and my nappies on, my bear sitting in my lap as I type this. I have a couple pictures to share, but not anything from this very moment so you’ll have to use your imagination. Just close your eyes and imagine a smiley riley and a smiley bear.

Something like this…

RK_IMG_1120This was when I took Bear to go see Paddington. It was a very cute bear story and a good movie all around, for both bears and hoomans. I have another bear story for you though it’s not very cute, it’s a short one about Bears Discovering Fire, and you can read it here. There’s also a podcast that carries it, and I’d be happy to read it if anyone would be interested to hear. The podcast version starts about 5 minutes into the show, and I must say it’s a story with some sad, weepy elements. But definitely worth the read and I really appreciate the friend who turned me on to this (thanks D). I love when people share cool stuff with me… especially bear stuff!

It’s beginning to get cold here just as I’m warming up to life. I forsee a fall and winter of sweaters, snow and snuggles. My last couple posts were pretty sad, and things have improved in my life since. Things aren’t 100%, still some struggles both new and old but I’m doing better at dealing with things. I’ve been back into my nappies, which improve my mood and wellness significantly. I’ve been working more and looking to get a second job here soon, all while making more solid plans for the future. You’ll be glad to hear i’m back on hormones, which is probably the best news for this growing little girl. I’m getting better at life, still barely holding things together but at least i’m holding things together.

I edited a TON of pictures today, so expect some more pics and thoughts soon (within the week, not the year). Keeping with my bear theme in tow, here’s my favorite episode of that cute We Bare Bears cartoon. It’s fairly intense and more than a little relevant. The ending makes me hug my bears extra, extra tight.

Hugs friends. Little baby bear hugs and big all-around-you bear hugs.


From Riley and Cincy.


I’m just popping in for a little hello, a pic, an animated little McCartney video and most importantly, to give thanks.

I’ve receive some wonderful comments, messages, emails, stories, thank you <3

I think I said it best on my twitter last night~


I was browsing through my meticulously organized 212 gigs of music today, letting myself feel stuff by listening to some favorite songs.  I have been thinking of lyrics that fit my feelings, and after sifting through Mountain Goats, Bright Eyes, Aesop Rock, Casiotones for the Painfully Alone and a handful of other bands, I happened upon an old favorite I hadn’t  song below, Paul McCartney & Wing’s Mamunia.

So the next time you see rain, it ain’t bad
Don’t complain, it rains for you.
The next time you see LA rainclouds
Don’t complain it rains for you and me.

I’m going to say again, thank you. The support I’ve received in the last 36 hours has been amazing. This is my 1,005th post on this blog, and I really feel like my “lifes work” has truly been for good. I won’t talk about doors my publicity has closed or the people who have tried to silence my voice (oh crap i just did), I’d much rather focus on the influx of love and support i’ve received. The reciprocal nature of the comments has made me really realize how kind the hearts of this community are. I’ve been here with you for a long, long time, and I feel more welcome than ever.

A seed is waiting in the earth
For rain to come and give her free,
So the next time you see LA rainclouds
Don’t complain, it rains for you.

I’m still hurting, but i’ve found the courage to ask for help and for a sympathetic ear. This is the first step in a long process, and due to the responses I’ve received I’m confident I’m going to be able to weather the storm. Feel the rain down my back, to crawl through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. I’m quoting songs and movies at the same time, that means it’s time to go. Oh, and Mamunia means “Safe House” in Arabic. This community is my safe house, a place where I can express myself without fear or retribution. Thank you for the love. I haven’t any words.

Here’s a cute nappy pic from a recent trip to Maryland. Your little girl is still your little girl. Don’t worry <3


Safe Squishy Snuggler

::Some sad stuff, some emotional stuff, some deep down feelings from this little girl, read at your own discretion, preferably with a stuffy::

Hi there friends ~ this is Riley, that diaper girl who used to blog relatively often. Over these last 3 months (!!!) I have been traveling, getting medical things done to me (not the fun kind), writing, a little bit of wreckless abandon,  and a little bit of hiding because I sometimes get sad and don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve been reading as well, at times we need a little spark to re-motivate us and put things into perspective, ABJane’s Blog has been that spark.

I am afraid of emotions sometimes. I think that’s why I stopped taking hormones for a while. It’s also probably why I stopped writing this blog. I could also draw parallels to keeping most everyone at arms length, be it friends or family or lovers. Or why I’ve never kept a therapist for more than a few appointments. Drinking, doping in all it’s forms, is another way to toggle my emotional switch to off. None of these things are good for me. I grew up in a world where emotions were stifled, growing up with an “M” instead of the proper “F” forced upon me was the first step in the construction of the walls around me. My relationship and grooming by a college professor at 14, constantly sparring with my alcoholic stepdad and my physically abusive mother,  bullying and hostility from the world around me, after all this in my youth I decided to take the path less taken, and as a result spent much of my life as an individual, and alone. Even if i’m in a room full of friends, or being held by a lover, I still feel alone. I’m so afraid to talk to you people about these things. I’m so afraid you’ll hate me.

And that’s the key right there. I have had times of incredibly low self esteem, a fear that if I let people behind my walls, they’ll realize that i’m an awful person and leave me like so many others. Last year when my best friend died it broke me in two. I didn’t go to their funeral, I stayed home and drank myself into oblivion. I didn’t stop for months. All those feelings of loss, abandonment, fear of death and aging, were too much for my little girl heart. I still think about it everyday. I pulled myself out of the darkness but only enough to function, not enough to get better or really deal with my problems. I’ve been on the edge ever since, often toppling one way (hiding) or the other (caring). I’m such a terribly sensitive, empathetic person that I sometimes just shut down, the drawbridge goes up and I watch my life from far behind my eyes, as it’s the only way to not feel. That’s not very healthy, I hurt the most when I bottle things up.

I had to leave LA because I had 5 feet in the grave, and the last few inches of me were slowly sinking. I came to NY, to be with people I trust and to start being a full human being again rather than a mere shell of one. Since coming here, I have taken better care of myself than I was in LA, but haven’t been addressing the issues enough. I’ve been working part time, playing video games, trying to balance emotions and goals and booze and boredom. I have been doing about a D+ job, and i’m sitting at the computer speaking with you as a way to hopefully improve my grade. I need to care more, feel more, hide less, let in the sunshine and push out the darkness or at least balance the two.

This world has changed, and where I’ve pointed a ton of fingers at a ton of hurt i’ve experienced, I feel like I can actually talk about it now. Mental health is something that’s finally being discussed, not shushed or shamed. I’d like to think the openness I’ve shared on this blog was an additional drop in this cultural seachange, and it’s so, so, so important to me that I keep writing and expressing these things.

Thank you to those who listen to friends when they open up about their pain.

Thank you to those who accept, not dismiss, times of depression/anxiety/hurt in others.

Thank you to those who have written bloggers and kept them motivated.

and thank you Jane, you’ve opened doors for me that I was too afraid to open myself.

I’m not better. I’m not even OK, i’m not going to fake it. But i’m trying. I’m taking stock. I’ve called a therapist. I’ve reached out to friends. I still drink but in moderation, though that’s a windy ledge i’ve stood on before. I’m coming to better terms with the friends I’ve lost, and the people who I’ve hurt, and those who’ve hurt me. I’ve done some bad things, and had bad things done to me, but that doesn’t mean i’m a bad person. I’m starting to realize that.

The titles of the last few posts are Modest Mouse references. I didn’t listen to my favorite music for months, when I shut down I seriously shut down. I’m not making any promises to you, only to myself, but i’ll do my best to keep the Riley generator running. This little light of mine, I want to let it shine <3

Hugs and love,

Riley K.


Sad Soggy Sucker

I’m not really at my best right now. I have been getting some dentistry, and have been a little groggy and miserable from a terrible tooth ache. No worries, next Weds I have an appointment that should take care of most of the misery. I will refrain from going into detail, but I’m a miserable little princess and my bear has been getting non-stop hugs.

I’ve been looking at old pics~ I never really edited this whole set, just me in baby diapers playing cute.

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I also have been playing with audio! Have you heard of ASMR? It’s really neat. I made a tiny little clip and have been looking to make more, I purchased a lovely new mic so I can finally make high quality sounds. I think this is a great thing to mix with littlespace! I’d like to take submissions, but I’ll wait until this dentist stuff gets figured out.

Hugs! Babygirl needs love, send happy thoughts <3

Riley K.