Mamunia

I’m just popping in for a little hello, a pic, an animated little McCartney video and most importantly, to give thanks.

I’ve receive some wonderful comments, messages, emails, stories, thank you <3

I think I said it best on my twitter last night~

Squishytweets

I was browsing through my meticulously organized 212 gigs of music today, letting myself feel stuff by listening to some favorite songs.  I have been thinking of lyrics that fit my feelings, and after sifting through Mountain Goats, Bright Eyes, Aesop Rock, Casiotones for the Painfully Alone and a handful of other bands, I happened upon an old favorite I hadn’t  song below, Paul McCartney & Wing’s Mamunia.

So the next time you see rain, it ain’t bad
Don’t complain, it rains for you.
The next time you see LA rainclouds
Don’t complain it rains for you and me.

I’m going to say again, thank you. The support I’ve received in the last 36 hours has been amazing. This is my 1,005th post on this blog, and I really feel like my “lifes work” has truly been for good. I won’t talk about doors my publicity has closed or the people who have tried to silence my voice (oh crap i just did), I’d much rather focus on the influx of love and support i’ve received. The reciprocal nature of the comments has made me really realize how kind the hearts of this community are. I’ve been here with you for a long, long time, and I feel more welcome than ever.

A seed is waiting in the earth
For rain to come and give her free,
So the next time you see LA rainclouds
Don’t complain, it rains for you.

I’m still hurting, but i’ve found the courage to ask for help and for a sympathetic ear. This is the first step in a long process, and due to the responses I’ve received I’m confident I’m going to be able to weather the storm. Feel the rain down my back, to crawl through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. I’m quoting songs and movies at the same time, that means it’s time to go. Oh, and Mamunia means “Safe House” in Arabic. This community is my safe house, a place where I can express myself without fear or retribution. Thank you for the love. I haven’t any words.

Here’s a cute nappy pic from a recent trip to Maryland. Your little girl is still your little girl. Don’t worry <3

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Safe Squishy Snuggler

::Some sad stuff, some emotional stuff, some deep down feelings from this little girl, read at your own discretion, preferably with a stuffy::

Hi there friends ~ this is Riley, that diaper girl who used to blog relatively often. Over these last 3 months (!!!) I have been traveling, getting medical things done to me (not the fun kind), writing, a little bit of wreckless abandon,  and a little bit of hiding because I sometimes get sad and don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve been reading as well, at times we need a little spark to re-motivate us and put things into perspective, ABJane’s Blog has been that spark.

I am afraid of emotions sometimes. I think that’s why I stopped taking hormones for a while. It’s also probably why I stopped writing this blog. I could also draw parallels to keeping most everyone at arms length, be it friends or family or lovers. Or why I’ve never kept a therapist for more than a few appointments. Drinking, doping in all it’s forms, is another way to toggle my emotional switch to off. None of these things are good for me. I grew up in a world where emotions were stifled, growing up with an “M” instead of the proper “F” forced upon me was the first step in the construction of the walls around me. My relationship and grooming by a college professor at 14, constantly sparring with my alcoholic stepdad and my physically abusive mother,  bullying and hostility from the world around me, after all this in my youth I decided to take the path less taken, and as a result spent much of my life as an individual, and alone. Even if i’m in a room full of friends, or being held by a lover, I still feel alone. I’m so afraid to talk to you people about these things. I’m so afraid you’ll hate me.

And that’s the key right there. I have had times of incredibly low self esteem, a fear that if I let people behind my walls, they’ll realize that i’m an awful person and leave me like so many others. Last year when my best friend died it broke me in two. I didn’t go to their funeral, I stayed home and drank myself into oblivion. I didn’t stop for months. All those feelings of loss, abandonment, fear of death and aging, were too much for my little girl heart. I still think about it everyday. I pulled myself out of the darkness but only enough to function, not enough to get better or really deal with my problems. I’ve been on the edge ever since, often toppling one way (hiding) or the other (caring). I’m such a terribly sensitive, empathetic person that I sometimes just shut down, the drawbridge goes up and I watch my life from far behind my eyes, as it’s the only way to not feel. That’s not very healthy, I hurt the most when I bottle things up.

I had to leave LA because I had 5 feet in the grave, and the last few inches of me were slowly sinking. I came to NY, to be with people I trust and to start being a full human being again rather than a mere shell of one. Since coming here, I have taken better care of myself than I was in LA, but haven’t been addressing the issues enough. I’ve been working part time, playing video games, trying to balance emotions and goals and booze and boredom. I have been doing about a D+ job, and i’m sitting at the computer speaking with you as a way to hopefully improve my grade. I need to care more, feel more, hide less, let in the sunshine and push out the darkness or at least balance the two.

This world has changed, and where I’ve pointed a ton of fingers at a ton of hurt i’ve experienced, I feel like I can actually talk about it now. Mental health is something that’s finally being discussed, not shushed or shamed. I’d like to think the openness I’ve shared on this blog was an additional drop in this cultural seachange, and it’s so, so, so important to me that I keep writing and expressing these things.

Thank you to those who listen to friends when they open up about their pain.

Thank you to those who accept, not dismiss, times of depression/anxiety/hurt in others.

Thank you to those who have written bloggers and kept them motivated.

and thank you Jane, you’ve opened doors for me that I was too afraid to open myself.

I’m not better. I’m not even OK, i’m not going to fake it. But i’m trying. I’m taking stock. I’ve called a therapist. I’ve reached out to friends. I still drink but in moderation, though that’s a windy ledge i’ve stood on before. I’m coming to better terms with the friends I’ve lost, and the people who I’ve hurt, and those who’ve hurt me. I’ve done some bad things, and had bad things done to me, but that doesn’t mean i’m a bad person. I’m starting to realize that.

The titles of the last few posts are Modest Mouse references. I didn’t listen to my favorite music for months, when I shut down I seriously shut down. I’m not making any promises to you, only to myself, but i’ll do my best to keep the Riley generator running. This little light of mine, I want to let it shine <3

Hugs and love,

Riley K.

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Sad Soggy Sucker

I’m not really at my best right now. I have been getting some dentistry, and have been a little groggy and miserable from a terrible tooth ache. No worries, next Weds I have an appointment that should take care of most of the misery. I will refrain from going into detail, but I’m a miserable little princess and my bear has been getting non-stop hugs.

I’ve been looking at old pics~ I never really edited this whole set, just me in baby diapers playing cute.

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I also have been playing with audio! Have you heard of ASMR? It’s really neat. I made a tiny little clip and have been looking to make more, I purchased a lovely new mic so I can finally make high quality sounds. I think this is a great thing to mix with littlespace! I’d like to take submissions, but I’ll wait until this dentist stuff gets figured out.

Hugs! Babygirl needs love, send happy thoughts <3

Riley K.

Poppin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

Hello again! It’s Riley and the topic of the moment is moving to NY, which I did about 5 months ago. It was a perilous cross-country train journey during one of the biggest snowstorms in Western New York history, it was exciting and exhausting and I RK_IMG_0994have it all on video. I won’t be talking about cold buns and delocation today, I’d like to talk about supply, demand and diapers. Of course, more about diapers than anything else.

Simply, there’s a fair share of diapers left here at my Nursery, so i’ve been going through a bunch of brands I otherwise wouldn’t wear. While filming My Strange Addiction, we went to the thrift store and a pharmacy and did bits of me buying diapers, and I got to keep all the diapers. At the thrift store they had a bunch of bags of Depends, and Tena pads, and Goodnites, and they were like 4-5 each, and they said I could get as many as I want. I was super shy at first about them buying me diapers, but they insisted and I ended up with about 50$ worth of various nappies, not counting others we had bought throughout the week+ of filming. This is 50$ worth of diapers at thrift store prices, which ended up being two huge black garbage bags of various packs.

They were kept safe for me here in NY and i’ve pledged to not order or ask for any new ones until I make a dent in these. Long story short, i’ve been a pull-up girl lately…

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I have gone through 2 packs of ATN’s, a pack of Abena S2’s and M4’s, 2 packs of Goodnites, dozens of random baby diapers and pull-ups (like the ones pictured, which I can only guess are CVS brand). I’ve also gone through Bambinos, AwwsoCutes, Northshores… I really need to make some more reviews. I do like the Goodnites Tru-Fit, I’ve been putting Tena Pads in them as well as Pampers and Target brand baby diapers. I’ve been a very good girl this last month or so when it comes to wearing.

RK_Picture 11Tubs and tubs like these, all mixed diapers I plan to use in videos, diapers for special occasions, ones that are too rare or I’m too nostalgic to wear or throw away. I’m not a nappy hoarder by any means, but I do have a little museum of crinkles that are rare/unique and will probably never wear. I’ll be slowly making my way through my collection, making videos, testing and occasionally leaking, with the goal being to eventually stick with two or three brands that I continually wear for day/night/playtime. I really dislike not being protected because your only nappies are too valuable, or worrying about getting the full use out of a diaper. These 3 or 4$ a piece diapers don’t cut it for a girl who wears and likes to change as often as I do.

Anyyyyway, I’m going Golfing today, something I haven’t ever done. I’ll keep you posted as to my likes and dislikes as I progress through my massive crinkle stash~ I’m sure some of you have many more, storage units full of Attends, closets and closets full of dresses and plastic pants, I’d love to see some collections! Feel free to link your photos in the comments.

RK_IMG_0975Thanks for reading, my next post is for your ears and I’m pretty excited about it. And not to worry, even though I have been wearing pull-ups I always end back up in thick pampers like the Northshore Cares above. Feeling good, plenty of diapers and soft moments in my future. Happy thoughts <3

Riley K,

Today’s Song – Madlib – “Movie Finale”

Poppin’

First off, bloggy type post about real life today, plans and the future and stuff! Second off, I thought you were working on your sugar problem Breakfast Cereal, but it seems like you’re back to the sack and hitting it pretty hard. We’re here to help, we love you cereal, but this is too much for us to take.

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Seriously, those are cartoon babies eating this, I couldn’t imagine feeding this to an baby, or especially a little. I’ve seen how excitable some littles get when they get all sugared up, and it’s hard to contain someone who’s in a footy sleeper, littles can be quite squirmy and wormy. I suppose a harness would help or maybe something that they can’t run in, only waddle.

I’m out and about, living life in WNY now that the snow has melted. It actually snowed 2 days ago which is ridiculous for late April, especially after 3 years in the constant warmth of LA. I realized that I’ve been here in WNY for 5 months now, and to be completely honest, haven’t done much in terms of advancing my future. I needed a break, to get some dentistry done, to restart my transition and get with a real hormone doctor. I’ve been mostly successful with all that, feel positive about my direction but the time has flown by and I need to make better use of it.

I’ve also set myself up to start therapy, though I haven’t started it yet. I have also been considering school. These are things that I tried in the past, but never found an environment that clicked. I would likely start at a Junior College and have never been terribly good at studying/tests, though I’m probably better at it now that when I was in school last (which was nearly a decade ago). I still like the idea of getting some sort of social or psychological certification, and it’d be fun to meet new people and take some classes in Film, Drama, Design, whatever piques my interest. I can still cam, blog, and goto school at the same time, and potentially get SRS all at the same time.

That’s the plan of moving to NY honestly. I did LA and the porn/waitress/extra thing for a while, realized how unsatisfying and fleeting it all was (also smoggy, and the people are all phonies, no one reads, everything has cilantro on it…), wanted to get back to my creative roots and writing and slow down a bit. I wasn’t hardly transitioning for a long time there, I quit for porn for a while, I quit because I couldn’t get a doctor, I quit because I was disillusioned or drinking or depressed. I don’t know what I was thinking, and this move to NY was/is yet another turning point in my life. I’m convinced it’s for the best.

So that’s that, just some thoughts and plans, who knows what the future will hold? I was going to post some crinkle pics at the end of this, but it got all serious so I’ll just leave you with the song I’m listening to as I type this, I don’t know if there’s a higher meaning to “Debaser” being the song of the day. I’ll let you decide. Thanks for listening, I’ll flesh out some of these ideas in my next posts, which I’m going to write right now <3

Hugs!

Riley K.

Song of the Day: The Pixies – “Debaser”

thick nappy archive

I’ve been looking through photos of recent adventures and happened upon these crinkly little memories ~ Basically, I traveling and had gone out in my diapers and unitard and on arrival to my destination I was put in plastic pants for an enema and a nap. This sequence of hotel-room photos tells that story, Riley clothed, Riley disrobed, and finally Riley snuggly and submissive. Submissive little Riley in 9 easy steps.

I hope the format of the photos is working out for you, hope they are easy to access and quick to load. I’d like to post some explicit content, as this series of enema photos goes a bit further that shown here… Any recommendation for good places to post adult content? I’ll likely just use Imgur for pics and gifs, and DPRTube or Pornhub for videos. I’ve lost so much content to flagging over the years and it’d be nice to post stuff with confidence. I still worry about losing another youtube account.

Regardless of all that, here’s some cute nappy pictures, just a topless babygirl with a full diaper <3

Riley K ~

Today’s Song – Kimya Dawson – “My Rollercoaster”